Hey everyone! It’s me, (Boring) Daniel Jones. I went on a weekend getaway this past Friday and Saturday with my best bud Eli Manning and the other quarterbacks. We encountered something bigger than ourselves this weekend. It was more than just good times with best bros, it was a life altering experience.
Here’s how it all went down this weekend.
Eli Manning: Hey Daniel, how are you?
Daniel Jones: Good, sir. I’m almost done with all of your laundry and I have the keys to your car that I just washed in my locker. Do you need anything else today, sir?
Eli Manning: No, you did a good job. Hey listen, son, me and the other quarterbacks were going to head upstate New York this weekend to play some golf and go fishing. Would you like to come?
Tears started to fill up Daniel Jones’s eyes because Eli Manning called him “son.”
Daniel Jones: Sure, I’d be down to go as long as Kyle Lauletta doesn’t drive. We all know what happens when he gets behind the wheel.
Everyone laughed for a solid fifteen seconds.
Eli Manning: It’s settled then. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning at 5:00am sharp. Early to bed, early to rise-
Daniel Jones: Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise! Benjamin Franklin is my favorite historian! Who’s your favorite historian, Eli? Also can we have a catch when we get upstate, dad?
Eli Manning pretended like he didn’t hear what Daniel Jones had to say and left the room. Still, Daniel Jones was so excited to go on his first ever vacation with his best bud, Eli Manning. He went home and began to pack his suitcase when he got a phone call from Giants General Manager, Dave Gettleman. Daniel answered the call.
Daniel Jones: Hello, Mr. Gettleman, how are you?
Dave Gettleman: HEY DANIEL! Just doing my hourly check up on you to make sure you’re okay! I’m still in full-bloom love with you!!!
Daniel Jones: Everything is fine, sir. I’m just packing because Eli asked me to go on a trip with him and the other quarterbacks tomorrow!
Dave Gettleman: You and the other qwatuhbahks are going on a trip together?! That’s great news! Are you all going to the desert? If you are be sure to stay hydrated so that way you don’t see any mirages!!
Daniel Jones: I always perform championship level hydration, sir, though we are not going to a desert. We are heading upstate to a cabin because we all know that mirages can set a franchise back for another 2-3 years, sir!
Dave Gettleman: Be safe! I love you!!!!!!!!!
Daniel Jones then hung up the phone and proceeded to finish packing. Once he was done he tried to get some sleep. He did have some trouble sleeping, though, because he was thinking about how much he loved all of his teammates. Before he realized the time it was already time to wake up and Eli Manning was waiting outside in his driveway. Daniel Jones ran to the car and packed his stuff in the trunk and hopped in.
Daniel Jones: Good morning, Eli! How are you today?! I can’t wait to have such fun conversations on the drive upstate. Do you enjoy playing “eye spy with my little eye” on the road? Because I do!!
Eli Manning: Daniel, shut up! It’s 5:00 in the morning. Let me drive in peace.
Eli Manning then pointed at one of the people sitting in the backseat.
Eli Manning: Who’s this guy?
Daniel Jones: That’s Alex Tanney, sir! He’s a quarterback on our team too! He’s one of my favorite teammates.
Eli Manning: Is he trying to steal my job too?
Alex Tanney: Dude, I just work here. I’m surprised I haven’t been cut yet.
The gang got started on their drive upstate. After enough begging, Eli Manning finally let Daniel Jones play his “Get hyped for a road trip” playlist which consisted of Imagine Dragons songs and “Life is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts. After a few hours of listening to “Whatever it Takes” on what felt like repeat, they arrived at the cabin upstate.
They all began to unpack their car and walk up to the door of the cabin where there was a note sitting there. Eli Manning picked up the note and began reading it out loud.
Eli Manning: “Dear New York Giants quarterbacks, I know you all came up here to enjoy a nice vacation and get away from the grind of playing quarterback in the NFL but that’s not what is going to happen. One of you clearly wants to take Eli Manning’s job and I’m not going to allow that to happen. I will stop you by any means necessary and eliminate you from this planet.”
As Eli Manning got done reading this note one of those ninja throwing stars whizzed past Daniel Jones’s head and went through the window of the cabin.
Kyle Lauletta: Holy shit, Daniel! You’re the best teammate ever! That person was clearly trying to kill me for trying to take Eli’s job and you were willing to put your head out on the line for me. Thank you so much!
Daniel Jones: Anything for my teammates!
Eli Manning: No you morons, whoever it was aimed at Daniel Jones since he’s more of a threat to steal my job over the next 5-7 seasons.
Daniel Jones: Eli, I’d never try to steal your job! I hope to take over for you whenever you retire in 1-3 seasons.
Eli Manning: I know that, Daniel. You only tweet about it 14 times a day from your twitter @DanielJonesNY that every New York Giants fan in the world should be following. That’s the only reason I invited you on this trip.
Eli Manning then stopped talking, he looked around unphased by anything as per usual and finished unpacking his stuff. Daniel Jones followed suit because he wanted to be just like Eli Manning.
Alex Tanney: Man, I’m hungry, anyone want to go to McDonalds?
Kyle Lauletta: Sure, I’ll drive!
All other three quarterbacks at once: NO! PLEASE DON’T!
Eli Manning: I’ll be the one leading us on this last second drive to McDonalds before our tee time over at the Golf Course since leading last second drives is kind of my specialty.
Daniel Jones: Yeah it is, best bud!!
The gang started driving and Daniel Jones received yet another call from Dave Gettleman.
Daniel Jones: Hey Mr. Gettleman, how are you?
Dave Gettleman: DANIEL! I love you. How are you? Hey listen, has Saquon Barkley been treating you nicely? I’ve got John Dorsey on the line from the Browns who’s offering a fourth round pick for him right now and I’m pretty close to taking it. If he’s mean to you I totally will.
Daniel Jones: NO! Don’t trade him! I love Saquon! But listen Mr. G, I have some other issues going on right now. Someone up here in upstate New York is trying to assassinate me for trying to steal Eli’s job!
Eli Manning: Daniel you can’t be assassinated…you have to be important in order to be assassinated. They’re just trying to murder you.
Dave Gettleman: OH MY GOODNESS! NO!!!! I’m coming up there right away to be your bodyguard and protect you.
Dave Gettleman then hung up and rushed to his car and began to drive up to meet up with Daniel Jones and the other quarterbacks.
Eli Manning: Great, someone tries to kill you ONE time and you call the boss and get him to come up here and ruin our vacation. The New York media has been trying to kill me for fifteen years and I’ve never complained about it once to anyone.
Daniel Jones: I’m sorry, Eli. It’s just he always tells me he’s in ‘full bloom love’ with me and he doesn’t ever leave me alone.
Meanwhile, the gang got to the golf course and it was time to golf! They got two golf carts and broke off into pairs. Daniel Jones paid Kyle Lauletta and Alex Tanney each $10 to let him pair up with Eli Manning.
They had gotten all the way through 7 holes before any problems began to occur.
Daniel Jones: Hey, look! We’re about to start hole 8 and my number on the Giants is number 8. Isn’t that neat?!
Eli Manning ignored Daniel Jones completely. As Daniel Jones was set to tee off he noticed a golf cart coming at him at an alarming speed.
Daniel Jones: Uhh…hey…what’s that?
The cart kept coming after him and it was gaining speed. It appeared that the driver was wearing a mask to avoid being identified.
Daniel Jones: Hey! Stop! I’m trying to golf here!!!
The cart wouldn’t stop. In fact it was making a beeline towards Daniel Jones and the person driving the cart was out for blood. Could it be the same assailant that had tried to murder Daniel Jones earlier in the day? There was no time to figure that out now as the cart got closer and closer to Jones. It was within 5 feet of Jones before an unexpected hero swooped in to save the day!
Kyle Lauletta: Look out!!!!
Kyle Lauletta channeled his reckless driving ability and used his golf cart to bump the the golf cart that was coming after Daniel Jones. The cart that was going after Daniel Jones spun out and went into the woods.
Kyle Lauletta: Come with me if you want to live!
Daniel Jones hopped in the golf cart with Kyle Lauletta and started thanking him profusely for saving his life.
Daniel Jones: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Kyle! If it wasn’t for you I’d be a big ole pile of mush on a golf course right now. You saved my life! Because of this I won’t take your number after you’re inevitably cut this August. I’ll ask Mr. Gettleman to retire it in your honor!
Kyle Lauletta: Thank you so much for that. I appreciate your kindness greatly.
Eli Manning: Come on guys, let’s all get back to the cabin where it’s safe. Clearly someone is trying to hurt us.
Alex Tanney: Us? You mean Daniel. They’re literally just going after him.
Eli Manning: What the hell did you just say to me, Adam?
Alex Tanney: It’s ALEX, sir. And nothing. I didn’t say anything.
Eli Manning: That’s what I thought. This is still my team.
The quarterbacks all drove back to the cabin. They figured that they’d be able to go back and crack open a few beers. Eli Manning got three cases of Bud Light for Kyle Lauletta, Alex Tanney, and himself to share. Daniel Jones bought a single six pack of O’Doul’s to drink by himself over the course of a few days because he didn’t like the feeling of being drunk.
Daniel Jones: This is the dream! Cracking a cold one open with the boys! This is why we put all the work in.
Eli Manning: You’re literally drinking O’Doul’s. There’s no alcohol in those.
Daniel Jones: There’s not? Then how the hell am I drunk?
It was a scientific mystery as to how Daniel Jones got drunk when the beer he was drinking didn’t even have alcohol. Daniel then suggested that later they should all watch some movies with the sound off and subtitles on which was his favorite hobby to do. Everyone else laughed at him and called him a nerd.
Daniel Jones: I’ll be right back guys. I must excuse myself as I have to “break the seal” as the kids say.
Daniel Jones walked into the bathroom. As per usual he checked behind the bathroom curtains for murderers just to be sure and low and behold, for the first time in his life there was one!
Daniel Jones: AHHHHHH!!! RUN!! EVERYONE RUN!! THE MASKED MAN FROM THE GOLF COURSE IS BACK!!!
The other three quarterbacks heard this and ran out of the house as quickly as possible. Meanwhile the masked man began firing off shots at Daniel Jones but he kept missing him.
Masked Robber: Damn, those scouting reports were correct. He’s a lot more athletic than he looks. He may open up an entire different section of the playbook for the Giants. I have to eliminate him!
Daniel Jones continued to use his supreme athleticism to zig zag which made all of the flying bullets miss him. He thought he was in the clear until he ran out of room and he was backed into the corner of the living room with nowhere to go. The masked robber had one bullet left.
Masked Robber: Do you think it’s fun to steal someone’s job, Daniel?
Daniel Jones: No sir, I’d never steal anyone’s job! Not even Eli Manning’s! Not for 1-3 years, at least!
Masked Robber: See that’s the problem we have here. Eli Manning isn’t going to play for 1-3 more seasons, he’s going to play for 10! Or 20! We can’t have you here to take his job if that’s the case, can we?
As the masked robber finished his sentence he aimed his gun at Daniel. As he pulled the trigger a round man with a goatee walked through the front door and dove towards Daniel Jones. Time seemed to slow down. The bullet was flying through the air as was this large man with a goatee. The bullet went through the man with the goatee’s shoulder and Daniel Jones was spared. Meanwhile, Eli Manning, Alex Tanney, and Kyle Lauletta snuck through the back door and tackled the masked assailant. Daniel Jones went and turned over the body that was hit with the bullet and was shocked at who it was.
Daniel Jones: Mr. Gettleman? Is that you?
Dave Gettleman: You see here, Daniel. This is what full bloom love is. This is what it does. Am I going to die?
Eli Manning: Uhhh no, you’re not going to die. The bullet just grazed your shoulder. You’re gonna be just fine.
On the other end of the room Alex Tanney and Kyle Lauletta had the masked robber pinned down and Eli Manning came over to take the mask off to see who was underneath it kind of like how they do it in Scooby Doo.
Eli Manning: DAD!?!?! Is that you?
Archie Manning: Okay fine, you caught me. I was just trying to do what’s in the best interest of you, my son. Daniel Jones was trying to steal your job! I know you can play another 10, maybe 20 seasons. It’s not right what he’s doing!
Eli Manning: Yeah that’s true, Daniel Jones is kind of a dick for doing that. But you can’t try to murder him! That’s not right! You need to apologize right now.
Archie Manning: Sorry….
Eli Manning: Say it like you mean it!!
Archie Manning: Sorry, Daniel. I shouldn’t have tried to murder you in cold blood.
Eli Manning: Good. Now promise him you won’t try to kill him ever again.
Archie Manning: …but what if he tries to steal you job again?
Eli Manning: DAD!
Archie Manning: Okay fine, Daniel I promise you I won’t try and kill you again.
Eli Manning: Okay good. Let’s all go home now.
Daniel Jones: Wait, that’s it? We’re just going to go home and pretend that this never happened?
Eli Manning: Yes. What people fail to realize about my dad is that he’s actually the Shadow Commissioner of the NFL. He runs things. He pulls all of the strings. How do you think the cops found out about Kyle Lauletta’s reckless driving when they arrested him that one time?
Daniel Jones: Well I’d assume that a good law abiding officer saw him speeding and made a strong judgement call.
Eli Manning: No you idiot! My dad paid off the police officers and tipped them off. Of course he was going 130 in a 25 but the cops wouldn’t have been there if my dad didn’t tell them to be. He always gets his way. It’s time to go home.
Kyle Lauletta: I’ll drive!
Literally everyone else: NO! DON’T!
All six of the men put their differences aside and got in the car and made the trip back home to New Jersey. The end.