Evaluating each 0-2 team’s chances to make the playoffs this season

Folks, it’s that time of year again for New York Giants fans like me as for the sixth time in the past seven seasons the Giants have fallen to an 0-2 record. Each year we’re reminded by delusional Giants fans who are likely proud members of the E-hive that the 2007 Giants team that won the Super Bowl against the New England Patriots started 0-2 and we’ve just gotta bELIeve more in the team.

Well unfortunately for Giants fans everywhere we haven’t even qualified for the playoffs in six of the past seven seasons that we’ve started 0-2 in let alone win the Super Bowl. In fact, since 2007 just 12.5% of teams that start 0-2 qualify for the playoffs. That number is extremely low.

For each of the eight 0-2 teams I will give a scientific percentage (by this I mean that I will calculate the percentage inside of my head scientifically) prediction for their chances to make the playoffs. Please note that though the Cardinals are winless, they tied so they’re not included in this. Since this is releasing after Sunday’s games, I also won’t be including the loser of the Jets/Browns game in this.

So let’s get to it.

Miami Dolphins- 0%

In the glorious one hundred year history of the NFL I don’t think a single team has ever tanked harder than the 2019 Miami Dolphins. They’ve traded virtually all of the talent that they had on their team and are likely going to be trading what’s left of it by moving DB Minkah Fitzpatrick and RB Kenyan Drake in the coming weeks.

This team clearly wants Tua Tagovailoa or Justin Herbert to be their quarterback next season. You have to feel for Josh Rosen. This tweet from Albert Breer sums it up for him.

The team has also given up 102 points over the first two games which is probably an NFL record. They have a better chance of getting the number one overall pick this season than they do winning a single game.

Jacksonville Jaguars- 5%

Taking a ride up I-95 from Miami we land in DUUUUVAL. Many people, including me, thought that this team could be a playoff team this season due to their defense but the injury to QB Nick Foles has pretty much derailed any chance of this team being good this year.

As much as I love Gardner Minshew, I can’t in good conscience give them more than a 5% chance to make the playoffs this year. As a Journalist (big J) I owe it to you all to to be unbiased and fair in my assessment. This offense is dreadful and they likely will need a new head coach by the end of this season.

New York Giants- 0.10%

The Giants suck worse than they maybe ever have. I have wasted so many Sundays in my 20s watching this team break my heart week after week and I’ll likely waste many more. These are the dark ages in this franchise’s history. We haven’t done anything right in years when it comes to management and ownership. We deserve this.

I listed our playoff chances as .10% because Eli is number 10 and according to the E-hive if you don’t bELIeve then you’re a fake fan. It doesn’t matter that Eli Manning sucks. It doesn’t matter that the defense is in shambles. It doesn’t matter that the General Manager is completely clueless. I feel so badly for Saquon Barkley that we’re going to waste his entire prime. John Mara is the biggest loser on the entire planet for letting it come to this.

Pittsburgh Steelers- 5%

The reason they have a 15% chance is because at the time of writing this is because the division is a combined 2-5. The Ravens are 2-0 and the Bengals, Browns, and Steelers are all winless. It’s a complete cluster right now.

The Steelers also lost Ben Roethlisberger and James Connor to injuries today. Not a good day to be a Steelers fan. I give them a 5% chance to make the playoffs without Roethlisberger only because the division looks pretty bad this year aside from Baltimore.

Cincinnatti Bengals- 0%

I’ll be totally honest in saying that I don’t know how to spell Cincinatti. It’s the most pointless city in the most pointless state in America with one of the most pointless franchises in NFL history. There’s no point in even wasting my time trying to learn how to spell it.

Recently I had a flight connect through Cinncinati and I ended up being stuck in the airport there for over 6 hours because the plane I was supposed to board ended up breaking. I spent my time just walking around the airport aimlessly debating on whether or not I wanted to get food poisoning by trying Skyline Chili. That experience was the closest thing to purgatory that you can get while being alive on this planet and I believe that it was representative of the Bengals franchise as a whole. This team will never be good.

Washington Redskins- 2%

I don’t think that anyone is surprised that the Redskins started 0-2. They had two tough games against divisional opponents that normally bully them each and every time they play. They’re bad but they’re definitely better than a lot of other 0-2 teams on this list. They should look into playing Dwayne Haskins sooner than later so that way they can get something out of what has a 98% chance of being a lost season.

Carolina Panthers- 12.5%

It would be easy for me to write a few paragraphs about how badly Cam Newton sucks and how he doesn’t truly love the game of football but I’m not going to do that. As a Journalist I will result to facts.

Here are some facts:

  • Cam Newton is 0-8 in his last 8 starts.
  • Cam Newton has thrown for the same amount of touchdown passes as I have in his last 4 starts
  • Cam Newton has no leadership skills
  • Cam Newton is just 4-15 on throws of 15+ yards this season because his shoulder is falling off

That being said, if he could figure out a way to get it together I think the defense gives them a decent chance to be okay but I think that there’s just a 12.5% chance that occurs.

Denver Broncos- 0%

Last but most certainly not least (only because the Miami Dolphins are on this list) we have the Denver Broncos. What a horrible ending to the game for them. How do you let the Bears convert a 4th and 15 at the end of the game? When your team gets beaten by a Bears kicker then you’re officially cursed.

Joe Flacco is terrible. He may as well be an honorary Manning with how well he rides the coattails of his one good season back in 2012. Archie is probably drafting up the adoption papers as we speak. The fact that this man is still a starting quarterback in the NFL is complete malpractice regardless of his final drive today.

It’s also worth noting that Vic Fangio doesn’t look like a head coach to me on the sidelines. He looks like someone’s grandfather who wondered out of a nursing home and accidentally stumbled his way into John Elway’s office and got the job. Aside from signing Peyton Manning, John Elway’s tenure as GM of the Broncos has been a comedy of errors. This team is a joke and there’s no way they make the playoffs.

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