Folks, one thing that is certain about life is that Dallas Cowboys fans have very little to hope for in life. I would say that I feel badly for them but that would be a lie and as I learned from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, I must not tell lies.
I realized how bad it was today when I was going through a Facebook group that I frequent and a Cowboys fan with notoriously bad football takes decided to make this post.
This post is sad for multiple reasons.
- The fact that a grown adult has two favorite teams is very sad.
- I realized that Dallas Cowboys fans lives are so miserable and they know that they have no chance of winning that they’re now conditioned to have multiple favorite teams since their primary team will never win anything.
So in these weird and uncertain times in life, I wanted to do my part to help Dallas Cowboys fans figure out which NFL team they can root for when the Dallas Cowboys are eliminated from the playoffs like they have been every year since 1995. In fact, since their last Super Bowl win (that occurred when Bill Clinton was president), they’ve won just four playoff games which is less than teams like the Jacksonville Jaguars who have 5 playoff wins in the timeframe.
So since the Dallas Cowboys championship drought is old enough to drink and almost old enough to rent a car, it’s become a virtual guarantee that they will disappoint their fans every season. Have no fear, Cowboys fans, I’ve got you covered with five teams that you can bandwagon this season once the Dallas Cowboys are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
1. Kansas City Chiefs
Let’s start with an obvious choice in the reigning Super Bowl Champions, the Kansas City Chiefs. As I said, they’re an obvious choice but it may not be for reasons that you think.
Did you know that the Chiefs were originally founded as the Dallas Texans in 1960? They relocated to Kansas City in 1963 when they realized that the state of Texas is a huge cesspool where nobody can drive. Rumor also has it that they were so mortified that Dallas was where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated and they didn’t want to associate with a city that would allow that to happen since they respect the office of the President of the United States. That rumor can not be confirmed, though.
Now the one thing holding many Dallas Cowboys fans back from bandwagoning the Chiefs is that most Cowboys fans have never even been to Texas let alone the city of Dallas. In fact, a recent CNN report said that 75% of Cowboys fans couldn’t even point out Texas on a map* so this wouldn’t appeal to them.
2. The Baltimore Ravens
It’s no secret that the Baltimore Ravens have become one of the most bandwagoned teams over the past year due to the emergence of star running back Lamar Jackson. Jackson burst onto the scene last year with 176 carries for 1206 yards and 7 touchdowns with a very nice 6.9 yards per carry.
One thing that Cowboys fans will like about the Ravens is that their team mirrors them in a lot of ways. For example, the Dallas Cowboys have a very good running back in Ezekiel Elliott but no quarterback and the Ravens have a great running back in Lamar Jackson but no quarterback. That sounds like a match made in heaven if you ask me.
Looking for more similarities? Both franchises have had a field goal kick break their heart in the playoffs over the last decade (the Cowboys in 2016 and the Ravens in 2011). Both teams also have a coach who has won a Super Bowl and is literally only employed because of their past accomplishments. This could be your 2nd favorite team, Cowboys fans.
3. New Orleans Saints
Take a trip east on I-10 from Dallas (or fly in from New York if you’re the typical Cowboys fan) and you stumble across a gritty city in New Orleans which is home to the NFL’s Saints franchise.
The main reason that the Saints are the perfect match for Cowboys fans to bandwagon onto is that just like Cowboys fans, Saints fans always blame other people (e.g. referees) for their team not getting the job done. Their lack of accountability as fans would make them a better match than peanut butter & jelly, salt & vinegar , or Tony Romo and avoiding the NFC Championship game.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
It’s no secret that with the addition of former Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to be the most bandwagoned team in the NFL this season. This could be the perfect fit for Cowboys fans as they can play the “I want the Bucs to win this year out of respect for Tom Brady” card.
On top of that, the Buccaneers are another team who has more playoff wins and championships than the Cowboys do since the Cowboys last won in 1995. They’re clearly a superior franchise to Dallas so that should make the bandwagoning process much easier.
Tampa is also a city known for its strip clubs and according to a recent CNN poll, 72% of the wives, mothers, and daughters of Cowboys fans work at strip clubs!* What a nice chance to fly into Tampa, catch a game, and visit some family!
5. The NFL as a whole
Hear me out, Cowboys fans. Your bandwagon team should be rooting for the NFL as a whole just like our good friend Rob Lowe. Your team and the entire NFL have a lot in common.
For starters, the NFL plays 256 regular season games per season and each year it generally finishes with about a .500 record. You know who else has a .500 record virtually every year???
Fact: Over the past decade the Cowboys have a .537 winning percentage. That’s about as close to .500 as you can get over that span. The NFL and the Cowboys would be a perfect match.
On top of that, you can never be disappointed if you’re cheering for the NFL. Roger Goodell suspends one of your players for doing something awful? No worries! The NFL is your second favorite team so it hurts way less. What about when the referees only give your team 3 phantom calls in the game instead of the usual 5? Again, since you’re just cheering for the league as your second favorite team it’ll make it much easier to cope with.
So that’s the end of my list! Did I miss any teams? Let me know in the comments or tweet at me @Dancouver95!
*Denotes fake news that is not a fact at all