Two Teams Debuted New Names Today and I’m Not Sure Which One is Worse

Folks, today was a HUGE day in sports in terms of sports news. I’ll allow this tweet to sum up the day.

This tweet also missed Mike Tyson (who is 54) saying that he’s going to be fighting again on September 12th. But what I’d like to focus on is the two names that were debuted today. The W*shin*ton R-Words have decided that they’re just going to be called the “Washington Football Team” and the Seattle NHL Expansion team said that they’re going to be called the “Kraken.”

I don’t even know where to begin here. Both names are absolute dog shit. I’ll start with the franchise that is absolute dog shit in the Washington Football Team. I understand not being able to convert an entire brand in the span of three weeks but if you’re Dan Snyder and the rest of the Washington Football organization should have seen this coming for years.

Obviously this name isn’t permanent but my solution would have been to go with Washington Football Club or Washington FC. It rolls off of the tongue a lot better and we could make jokes about their football talent being worse at football than a soccer team would be.

Now let’s get to the Seattle Kraken. Personally, I would have preferred them to be the CHOPpers since their roster will be made up of players who were evenly redistributed from the other NHL teams. I just don’t understand how Kraken is a name that represents the city of Seattle except for the fact that the Kraken originates in Scandinavian folklore and the people of Seattle want to be Sweden so badly.

Here’s a list of better names that the Seattle NHL team could have gone with:

  • Seattle Metropolitans
  • Seattle Sockeyes
  • Seattle Firebirds
  • Seattle Fighting Skyhawks
  • Seattle Rainiers

Here’s a couple of bonus ones that I loved too:

  • Seattle Starpucks
  • Rain City Bitch Pigeons

Kraken is a ride at Seaworld, it’s not the name of a team that will ever win the Stanley Cup. It’s just not going to happen.

I will say that both teams did do a nice job with their uniforms. Washington’s helmets kind of look like Alabama’s helmet and the uniforms have a nice, old school vibe to them.

I will also say that the Bitch Pigeons did a great job with their uniforms as well. They’re some of the coolest ones in the league already and they don’t even start playing for 2 years.

At least these teams will look good while they lose.

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