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PERFORMANCE, EFFICIENY, NUMBERS, INFORMATION, and STATS – NFL WEEK 1

THANK GOD. Thank God football is back. This is what the world needs right now. Football.

Welcome to another year of the Performance, Efficiency, Numbers, Information, and Starts (the PENIS). If you’re new, I can make you 3 promises:

  1. This will never last past 10 minutes.
  2. It will always be a wild ride.
  3. You’ll likely feel unfulfilled and wanting more when you’re done with this, which hopefully means you come back next week.

We talk football, we have fun, and we find some ways to help you win (this is the fun love/hate article that isn’t written by the 40 year old virgin).  As the season goes on, we’ll recap the prior weeks (or weeks). That’s enough foreplay, let’s just dive right in.

Fantasy Football and DFS – FMK

Quatabacks

Fuck Jimmy G, SF: The man dates porn stars and destroys the Cardinals. Last year against Arizona Jimmy G threw for 4 touchdowns and over 300 yards in each game. Arizona fast paced offense is PERFECT for fantasy. Plenty of points should be scored in this one (last year’s games scored 53 and 62). And for those of you thinking that Jimmy G doesn’t have any weapons, why would I play him – the man has Kyle Shanahan and George Kittle. He’ll be fine against a mediocre Cardinals defense.

FanDuel: $7,400 (QB10), Projected Ownership: 6.85%

DraftKings: $5,800 (QB17), Projected Ownership: 7.53%

Marry Carson Wentz, PHI vs WAS

He’s hurt, he’s missing the left side of his line, all his WRs are already dead. But he gets the Washington (totally not racist/totally respects woman) Football Team (fuck you Dan Synder). I get why people wouldn’t wanna play Wentz this week and that should honestly drop his projected ownership down lower than where it should be. He’s not totally safe, but like, come on – it’s Washington. He crushed Washingotn last season. He’s crush um again.

FanDuel: $7,700 (QB6), Projected Ownership: 4.67%

DraftKings: $6,300 (QB8), Projected Ownership: 4.92%

Kill Joe Burrow, CIN vs LAC

Rookie QB in his first start with zero preseason games and limited padded practices – yeah, no. I love Burrow. He’s extremely talented and I think he’ll be a damn good NFL QB BUT this just isn’t the week to start him. I have a feeling his ownership will be a bit higher than projected due to the low cost. Let him get his feet wet before you get wet for him.

FanDuel: $6,600 (QB22), Projected Ownership: 4.52%

DraftKings: $5,800 (QBT15), Projected Ownership: 1.48%

Running Backs

Fuck Josh Jacobs, SF vs ARI:

FanDuel: $8,200 (RB4), Projected Ownership: 8.17%

DraftKings: $6,800 (RB6), Projected Ownership: 7.64%

Marry Christian McCaffery, CAR vs LVR:

This one is easy. Find a way to afford McCaffery until he proves he’s not worth the price. And with the amount of people playing CMC this week, he’s a “wash” if he doesn’t hit his value.

FanDuel: $10,000 (RB1), Projected Ownership: 39.57%

DraftKings: $10,000 (RB1), Projected Ownership: 31.70%

Kill Antonio Gibson, Washington Football Franchise (fuck Dan Synder) vs PHI:

Everyone knows that guy or gal that just wants to be edgy. They’ll throw themselves off a cliff if it means being different. And if you don’t know that guy or gal, you’re probably them and you’re probably starting Antonio Gibson this week.

FanDuel: $4,600 (RB50), Projected Ownership: 21.53%

DraftKings: $4,000 (RB47), Projected Ownership: 26.41%

77 Career Collegiate touches

0 NFL Preseason Games

A brand new coaching staff in WAS

Dwayne Haskins

You wanna play him week 1? This is the fantasy football equivalent of married at first sight. On top of all of that, the Eagles were one of the best teams against RBs last season (top 7 in fantasy points per game vs RBs). I get it, he’s cheap. But he’s just the Wish version of Austin Ekeler right now.

FanDuel: $4,600 (RB50), Projected Ownership: 21.53%

DraftKings: $4,000 (RB47), Projected Ownership: 26.41%

Wide Receivers

Fuck Scary Terry (and Dan Synder), WAS vs PHI:

The addition of Darius Slay shouldn’t scare you away from playing Terry McLaurin this week. McLaurin actually BURNED Slay twice last season in Week 12 on would have been touchdowns if Dwayne Haskins knew how to throw a football. Carson Wentz and the Eagles have dropped 24 or more points in every game against Washington since 2017. The Washington Football team (fuck Dan Synder) will likely go down and they’ll be forced to air it out. In comes Scary Terry, who already topped 100 yards vs PHI twice last season. He may be owned a ton in DFS but his price is too low to not scoop up.

FanDuel: $6,500 (WR19), Projected Ownership: 13.30%

DraftKings: $5,600 (WR25), Projected Ownership: 16.80%

Marry Allen Robinson, CHI vs DET:

There’s absolutely nothing flashy about Allen Robinson this week. He’s not as hot as Scary Terry and he doesn’t have any weird kinks like OBJ. In fact, the only joke I had for Allen Robinson turned into the quote of the week and it wasn’t even about him. He has a really solid match up against a very bad Detroit Lions defense. He’s not going to break the bank and he’s attractive enough this week – literally everything you could ask for in marriage.  

FanDuel: $7,200 (WR8), Projected Ownership: 5.04%

DraftKings: $6,500 (WR9), Projected Ownership: 5.92%

Kill OBJ, CLE vs BAL:

Odell got shat on by Baltimore last season (13 targets, 6 RECs, 64 yards, 1 TD in 2 games). Quite frankly, I fully expect him to shit the bed again or just be on the bed while getting shit on. The Browns did somethings this offseason to make me think they’ll be better this year, so I’m not killing OBJ for the season – and for where you drafted him in a season long league, you probably have to play him. BUTT for DFS, just leave OBJ alone this week.

FanDuel: $6,900 (nice) (WR11), Projected Ownership: 5.49%

DraftKings: $5,900 (WR19), Projected Ownership: 6.81%

Tight Ends 😉

Fuck and Marry George Kittle, SF vs ARI:

Fuck him. Marry him. Watch him kill the Cardinals. I don’t care if this is cheating the game, I make the rules. You always play TEs vs the Cardinals and you always play George Kittle. What Kittle does on Sunday will likely be put on the same website Jimmy G finds his girlfriends.   

FanDuel: $8,000 (TE1), Projected Ownership: 13.38%

DraftKings: $7,200 (TE1), Projected Ownership: 14.83%

Kill Chris Herndon, NYJ vs BUF:

I like Chris Herndon but he’s projected ownership is just too damn high. Buffalo is a nasty match up for offenses as a whole (ranked 3rd best vs TEs in 2019). Sit this one out.

FanDuel: $4,800 (TE20), Projected Ownership: 10.25%

DraftKings: $3,300 (TE30), Projected Ownership: 15.16%

Quote of the week: “Size doesn’t matter” – Matt Nagy

Matt Nagy proclaimed this to the entire world when he named Mitchell Trubisky the starter over Big Dick Nick Foles. Nagy and Pace have been nothing short of awful with how they’ve handled the QB situation in Chicago. They not only thought Mitchell Trusbisky was better than Patrick Mahomes and DeShaun Watson BUT they actually traded up for him. Then they went and traded for Nick Foles, while teams like Dallas and New England signed Andy Dalton and Cam Newton for next to nothing.

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